I have, as I lovingly refer to it, a 'shitty fucking eating disorder'. Since my early adolescence, at the hands of caretaker who was endlessly determined to keep me skinny even if it meant ruining my self-esteem, my relationship with food has been tumultuous and unhealthy. My earliest, clearest memory is being put on a Slim Fast diet at 12 and being told that "If you stay the same weight you are right now until you get to 15 you will be okay."
Unsurprisingly, as an adult I developed a addiction to sugar and started binge/purge cycles that would last until... well, last week was the last time I indulged the demons.
I have spent years in therapy dealing with the abusive relationship and how I cope with it's effects and I know my triggers and coping mechanisms. I eschew all diets. I didn't own a bathroom scale. I ingest media that doesn't perpetuate my disorder (as much as possible). I have filled my Instagram feed with communities like "fatbabes" and "#effyourbeautystandards" so that I scroll through and see photos of people who look like me. I don't hide my eating disorder, don't relegate it to the shameful places. I admit when I'm in the middle of a cycle, my partner knows and doesn't try to stop me.
Recently, I have found that my nearly 40 year old knees, which I have not been so kind to, are creaky. I have inflammation in my hip that causes a serious hitch in my giddyup. These are physical changes of aging that I am not 100% on board with, so I starting looking at what I can do to help them.
Having now done all the basic things - I walk more. I do yoga. I have been hesitant to try and alter my eating habits because I know that 'diet' is a huge trigger. In the past I have gotten obsessed with counting calories and fat grams and carb grams. I have made my whole life about whatever the new diet is and as a result I end up in some terrible binge/purge cycles.
I have tried keto (high fat, low carb, moderate protein) in the past, but eventually it ended up swinging me back into a cycle, so I stopped. A friend I admire a lot had been talking about how a 2 month keto diet had greatly reduced her back pain, which she attributed to inflammation. The more she talked, the more I thought.
It's been about 10 days since I started keto. I'm tracking my food with the MyFitnessPal ( hereto referred to as MFP) app and I bought a bathroom scale.
I'm looking to several other friends who are also currently eating this way because finding support online means endless streams of weight-loss centric posts and before/after photos. I've discovered that in there is the danger for me. Too quickly I get into thought patterns that trigger the desire to cycle again. It has been my experience on plans like this that I do not lose weight, but I do lose water and it does effect my body pain.
I put my bathroom scale in the dining room because I can not be trusted with it someplace that feels hidden or out of sight. I weigh myself once a day, in the morning, after I pee and after the animals have been fed. It's only been three days, so not enough for a pattern, but so far, I'm not obsessing
The change isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I wasn't drinking much soda, but I was drinking fruit juice and other sugar filled stuff. I have also recently been having a problem with small binges, usually on sugar based carb heavy foods - those little doughnuts covered in powdered sugar that are so easy to pop into your mouth and might as well be dusted in heroine.
I feared that totally walking away from all things grain and sugar and sweet would be hard, but it's not so bad. I am full most of the day, I have not been counting calories, only making sure that my macros (7% fat, 13% protein, 80% fat) are staying close to on track.
So far, so good? Is this what it is like to have years of therapy finally pay off?
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