changing eating styles > going on a diet

I have, as I lovingly refer to it, a 'shitty fucking eating disorder'. Since my early adolescence, at the hands of caretaker who was endlessly determined to keep me skinny even if it meant ruining my self-esteem, my relationship with food has been tumultuous and unhealthy. My earliest, clearest memory is being put on a Slim Fast diet at 12 and being told that "If you stay the same weight you are right now until you get to 15 you will be okay."

Unsurprisingly, as an adult I developed a addiction to sugar and started binge/purge cycles that would last until... well, last week was the last time I indulged the demons.

I have spent years in therapy dealing with the abusive relationship and how I cope with it's effects and I know my triggers and coping mechanisms. I eschew all diets. I didn't own a bathroom scale. I ingest media that doesn't perpetuate my disorder (as much as possible). I have filled my Instagram feed with communities like "fatbabes" and "#effyourbeautystandards" so that I scroll through and see photos of people who look like me. I don't hide my eating disorder, don't relegate it to the shameful places. I admit when I'm in the middle of a cycle, my partner knows and doesn't try to stop me.

Recently, I have found that my nearly 40 year old knees, which I have not been so kind to, are creaky. I have inflammation in my hip that causes a serious hitch in my giddyup. These are physical changes of aging that I am not 100% on board with, so I starting looking at what I can do to help them.

Having now done all the basic things - I walk more. I do yoga. I have been hesitant to try and alter my eating habits because I know that 'diet' is a huge trigger. In the past I have gotten obsessed with counting calories and fat grams and carb grams. I have made my whole life about whatever the new diet is and as a result I end up in some terrible binge/purge cycles.

I have tried keto (high fat, low carb, moderate protein) in the past, but eventually it ended up swinging me back into a cycle, so I stopped. A friend I admire a lot had been talking about how a 2 month keto diet had greatly reduced her back pain, which she attributed to inflammation. The more she talked, the more I thought.

It's been about 10 days since I started keto. I'm tracking my food with the MyFitnessPal ( hereto referred to as MFP) app and I bought a bathroom scale.

I'm looking to several other friends who are also currently eating this way because finding support online means endless streams of  weight-loss centric posts and before/after photos. I've discovered that in there is the danger for me. Too quickly I get into thought patterns that trigger the desire to cycle again. It has been my experience on plans like this that I do not lose weight, but I do lose water and it does effect my body pain.

I put my bathroom scale in the dining room because I can not be trusted with it someplace that feels hidden or out of sight. I weigh myself once a day, in the morning, after I pee and after the animals have been fed. It's only been three days, so not enough for a pattern, but so far, I'm not obsessing

The change isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I wasn't drinking much soda, but I was drinking fruit juice and other sugar filled stuff. I have also recently been having a problem with small binges, usually on sugar based carb heavy foods - those little doughnuts covered in powdered sugar that are so easy to pop into your mouth and might as well be dusted in heroine.

I feared that totally walking away from all things grain and sugar and sweet would be hard, but it's not so bad. I am full most of the day, I have not been counting calories, only making sure that my macros (7% fat, 13% protein, 80% fat) are staying close to on track.

So far, so good? Is this what it is like to have years of therapy finally pay off?

{infographic} of course i'm not daunted, who would be daunted

Found at backpacker.com, all credit to them. 

I have this infographic in fifteen different places and it makes me excited and terrified every time I see it. Equal parts excited and terrified is the equation I use to gauge if my decision making is good.

ubiquitous fat

Hi. My name is Molly and I'm fat.

It may be hard for some to believe, but being fat is the least interesting thing about me. "Fat" is a physical descriptor like "red-hair" or "small hands" - both other uninteresting physical descriptors of me. I'm also smart, competent, funny, well-read, kind, attentive, clumsy and impatient.

Unlike all the other words that describe me, "fat" is the single descriptor that has defined the whole of my life.

Several years ago, I decided that I was bored and sad with how I felt about being fat so I decided to change - my outlook. I have been working on getting neutral about food, accepting the body I live in every day, letting go of language that kept me feeling bad about myself on the daily. I'm better than I was, but the struggle is still very real.

About 6 months ago I saw the documentary "Mile... Mile and a Half" about a group of friends who made the full trek of the John Muir Trail, which runs through the Sierra Mountains from Yosemite to Mt. Whitney. I found myself transfixed by the idea that I could spend a month in the woods and that my body would take me there.

In the fall of 2018, I will complete my 40th solar revolution. Since my early 20s I have been thinking about what I would do to mark what I consider my move into middle age. It was trips to India or Africa, cruises around the world, full back tattoos (I still haven't given up on that one). Now, within long-term planning distance, I have decided.

In August 2018 I will be thru-hiking the John Muir Trail, all 220+ miles of it. One month in the wilderness, parts will be done with the people that I love, but parts will be just me, alone with all my thoughts and the vast expanses of landscape around me.

I plan to do it as a fat person.

So, this blog is my own personal journal of all the parts leading up to my climb up the mountain. More than just preparation, I want to journal through how I prep and plan, where my head is at, how I can use this experience to be a better, more centered and authentic of my fat self.